Resting or meditating should be easy, right? I mean seriously, what could be easier than sitting or lying with your eyes closed. Literally the easiest thing in the world.
Except it isn't. Not even close. Sitting still, lying still, trying to relax and rest is one of the hardest and most painful experiences we can go through.
Why?
Because when we stop, when we get quiet, when we lie down to rest we are met by Pain and Suffering, the inner demons we've been trying to out run all day. All our fears, all our pain, all the things we hate about our lives come back to attack us.
They're waiting for us to pay attention, to scream at us and remind us about everything we're trying to ignore, to pretend doesn't exist. When we stop, even if that's only to go to bed at night, that's when they come to life.
It can feel like a weight on your chest, or a thing inside your rib cage that expands out until you can barely breathe. All you can think is "No, I can't. Stop."
You want to crawl out of your skin, to do anything to get away from the feelings that feel like death. Feelings that will not go away.
It's horrific.
Other People
Most people get the luxury of running from those feelings their whole lives. They never stop. Never take a break. Never get quiet. We call them workaholics or success stories. They are applauded for their productivity and their ability to keep going. They can ignore the terrifying feelings and thoughts that chase them. They're lucky.
People like me with chronic health issues aren't so lucky. We have to stop because our bodies are exhausted from running. We can't keep doing it, no matter how much we want to. We have to rest. We have to sit. And that means Pain and Suffering are going to catch us. There's nothing you can do to stop it.
My Story
I tried to keep running long after my body had given up - literally, I was bed bound, unable to walk, eat, cope with light, sound, smell or touch. I lived in a darkened room 24/7 but I still tried to blank out Pain and Suffering. I listened to audio books, music, tried to watch TV, anything to drown them out.
Until I was too poorly to do any of those and then came the longest, darkest and most terrifying night of my life when all that existed was Pain and Suffering and they were loud.
I was alone and terrified. I didn't know how I would get through the night. My brain hurt to think, I had to move my attention to the sounds in my room, going from one to the next as concentrating on any one for too long was agony, I felt sick with pain.
After that night I had to rest, I had to get still and I had to find a way to keep breathing when Pain and Suffering showed up.
How to cope
At first I could only cope with five minutes at a time and that was only because I couldn't have anyone in the room with me constantly as their presence drained my energy. I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth and waited. My brain and body needed the stillness and I felt so much worse if I didn't do it, that I had to do it.
I had a buzzer to tell people when I had finished my rest and my poor mum was up and down the stairs, having to keep coming up to see me. I felt guilty so I gradually increased my time alone by two and a half minutes a rest period until I was up to half an hour.
Half an hour of complete silence. Darkness. All alone. No distractions, nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.
An unexpected skill
I had no idea that this was helping me to find a way to stay with Pain and Suffering and that it was a crucial skill to living - for anyone, not just someone with a chronic illness.
I learnt that just because Pain and Suffering were loud didn't mean that the things they said were true. Or if they were true it didn't mean that they would kill me - though it felt like they would.
I realised I could keep breathing, even through the pain. I focused on getting through one breath and then the next. Never thinking further ahead than that second.
Sometimes the Pain and Suffering got worse, much worse, but it always got better, eventually. I always lived through it.
It was making me stronger - even when I really would have been happy to stay weak.
Does it get easier?
I've done this day in and day out for the past sixteen years.
I'd like to say it got easier. It didn't. I did get better at knowing that the whole thing was a wave I could ride, Pain and Suffering would come and go. I look forward to when they went but I could cope when they came back.
But even now I put off rests when I shouldn't. I avoid bed time even when I'm exhausted. I spend too long on Facebook trying to find some joy to push away my creeping fears and anxiety.
It's always worse when I have a lot of stress in my life - if Pain and Suffering are stirred up they get loud again.
But I know they will pass and the only way to cope is to sit with them, to listen to Pain and Suffering and not try to ignore them. I might hate what they have to say but that's why I work on the issues they shout at me when I'm not resting. I read "self-help books", I've had therapy, I've done courses, all so I can heal parts of Pain and Suffering so they will go away and leave me alone. And they do sometimes.
I haven't "fixed" all of them but I can say I've definitely found ways to heal, help or understand some of the loudest parts of my Pain and Suffering.
Ultimately, no matter what Pain and Suffering are saying, I breathe and trust that I have done this before and can do it again. It hurts like hell but it does ease. I live for the moments of ease and peace. They come and they go but they always come back.
Except it isn't. Not even close. Sitting still, lying still, trying to relax and rest is one of the hardest and most painful experiences we can go through.
Why?
Because when we stop, when we get quiet, when we lie down to rest we are met by Pain and Suffering, the inner demons we've been trying to out run all day. All our fears, all our pain, all the things we hate about our lives come back to attack us.
They're waiting for us to pay attention, to scream at us and remind us about everything we're trying to ignore, to pretend doesn't exist. When we stop, even if that's only to go to bed at night, that's when they come to life.
It can feel like a weight on your chest, or a thing inside your rib cage that expands out until you can barely breathe. All you can think is "No, I can't. Stop."
You want to crawl out of your skin, to do anything to get away from the feelings that feel like death. Feelings that will not go away.
It's horrific.
Other People
Most people get the luxury of running from those feelings their whole lives. They never stop. Never take a break. Never get quiet. We call them workaholics or success stories. They are applauded for their productivity and their ability to keep going. They can ignore the terrifying feelings and thoughts that chase them. They're lucky.
People like me with chronic health issues aren't so lucky. We have to stop because our bodies are exhausted from running. We can't keep doing it, no matter how much we want to. We have to rest. We have to sit. And that means Pain and Suffering are going to catch us. There's nothing you can do to stop it.
My Story
I tried to keep running long after my body had given up - literally, I was bed bound, unable to walk, eat, cope with light, sound, smell or touch. I lived in a darkened room 24/7 but I still tried to blank out Pain and Suffering. I listened to audio books, music, tried to watch TV, anything to drown them out.
Until I was too poorly to do any of those and then came the longest, darkest and most terrifying night of my life when all that existed was Pain and Suffering and they were loud.
I was alone and terrified. I didn't know how I would get through the night. My brain hurt to think, I had to move my attention to the sounds in my room, going from one to the next as concentrating on any one for too long was agony, I felt sick with pain.
After that night I had to rest, I had to get still and I had to find a way to keep breathing when Pain and Suffering showed up.
How to cope
At first I could only cope with five minutes at a time and that was only because I couldn't have anyone in the room with me constantly as their presence drained my energy. I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth and waited. My brain and body needed the stillness and I felt so much worse if I didn't do it, that I had to do it.
I had a buzzer to tell people when I had finished my rest and my poor mum was up and down the stairs, having to keep coming up to see me. I felt guilty so I gradually increased my time alone by two and a half minutes a rest period until I was up to half an hour.
Half an hour of complete silence. Darkness. All alone. No distractions, nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.
An unexpected skill
I had no idea that this was helping me to find a way to stay with Pain and Suffering and that it was a crucial skill to living - for anyone, not just someone with a chronic illness.
I learnt that just because Pain and Suffering were loud didn't mean that the things they said were true. Or if they were true it didn't mean that they would kill me - though it felt like they would.
I realised I could keep breathing, even through the pain. I focused on getting through one breath and then the next. Never thinking further ahead than that second.
Sometimes the Pain and Suffering got worse, much worse, but it always got better, eventually. I always lived through it.
It was making me stronger - even when I really would have been happy to stay weak.
Does it get easier?
I've done this day in and day out for the past sixteen years.
I'd like to say it got easier. It didn't. I did get better at knowing that the whole thing was a wave I could ride, Pain and Suffering would come and go. I look forward to when they went but I could cope when they came back.
But even now I put off rests when I shouldn't. I avoid bed time even when I'm exhausted. I spend too long on Facebook trying to find some joy to push away my creeping fears and anxiety.
It's always worse when I have a lot of stress in my life - if Pain and Suffering are stirred up they get loud again.
But I know they will pass and the only way to cope is to sit with them, to listen to Pain and Suffering and not try to ignore them. I might hate what they have to say but that's why I work on the issues they shout at me when I'm not resting. I read "self-help books", I've had therapy, I've done courses, all so I can heal parts of Pain and Suffering so they will go away and leave me alone. And they do sometimes.
I haven't "fixed" all of them but I can say I've definitely found ways to heal, help or understand some of the loudest parts of my Pain and Suffering.
Ultimately, no matter what Pain and Suffering are saying, I breathe and trust that I have done this before and can do it again. It hurts like hell but it does ease. I live for the moments of ease and peace. They come and they go but they always come back.